Well, for most of the day today the demons ruled. I had a difficult time in church and after church. I did a lot of putzing this afternoon so I had my thoughts to myself. That was not good. My brain - once again - would not shut down! Ughhhhhhhh!!! then I decided to watch a movie on the Halmark channel. I really think God was answering my prayers for peace with that movie. I feel much better right now. it is still going to be a rough night - again! But after tomorrow, I think things will be better. I am praying for that anyway!

Oh my gosh! The demons are back and back with a vengence! I am in melt down mode. I can't control my emotions right now. I am shaking. I can't sit still. My brain will not stop. I thought maybe being by myself this morning while I was cleaning and doing laundry would help. Not only did it not help, I think it made it worse. AAHHH!!! Then Travis came over with the grandkids. Finally, some relief. Just having them around and interacting with them helped. It is amazing what your grandchildren can do for you. They are gone now and the feelings have crept back in. I am trying to keep really busy so I don't think about things. I will have to take sleeping pills again tonight just so I can sleep. that will be the 3rd night in a row. I hate taking them, but sometimes it is the only way to get relief. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I hate these anxiety attacks!!!! they are terrible. I keep praying for peace to come over me. I hope it comes soon . . . . . .

Well, it took me a few days to completely recover from that anxiety attack, but I am back to normal now. What I consider normal anyway. Easter was pretty uneventful around here. I had my family over for lunch after church. That went fairly well. Then we all went out to my sister and brother-in-laws for the Kruse side. It was nice to see everyone. I haven't seen some of them since Christmas. Work is the same - stressful! That is nothing new. It is just a matter of how well I can emotionally handle it. Sometimes it doesn't bother me. I can just shrug it off. Other times I come home so worked up I have trouble sleeping at night. I got away from work for a little bit today. My "new to me" vehicle had been leaking antifreeze. It is still new enough that the dealer I bought it from had a waranty on it. Anyway, I brought called an made an appointment to bring it in this morning. It was the water pump. Even though I wasted some time this morning, it was nice to get away from work for a couple of hours. The next big thing on the list is Memorial Day. A nice day off. We have a couple of graduations to go to, but it will be nice. Maybe even have a few people over for a BBQ!

I guess I am having an anxiety attack again. I really really hate this feeling. I can't think, I can't sit still, I can't rationalize, and I am having trouble even making simple decisions. How do I get past this one? There wasn't any one thing that happened this weekend, but I am filled with anxiety and depression. One minute I want to cry and curl up on the couch and the next minute I can't sit in a chair. I haven't had one of these "episodes" for quite awhile. I thought I was past it. And then it comes roaring back! Okay, so part of this comes from my intense desire to please everyone - family, friends, co-workers - everyone. I am trying to get everyone on my side together for Easter (cuz we all know that Easter is my holiday). We can't seem to find a day and time to work for everyone. I think I am just going to have to make the call on when to have it and someone is going to be unhappy. Another part of this could be that it is Sunday and the feeling of dread always floods over me on Sundays. I don't know, I just don't know. My brain is fuzzy and black. I need to do something or talk to someone. I just don't know . . . . . . .

All I can say is WOW! We have had fantastic weather the past week. The snow is gone and the temps have been in the high 60's to low 70's. Today it was even up to 78! Sat outside in the sun watching the Twin's game. I think I absorbed my share of vitamin D! Then we went for a walk for about an hour. How great is that in March!! We have been grilling supper every night this week when we were home. Tonight we plan on grilling too. Double bonus is that we got to see Denver, Danielle and Kellen yesterday. Kellen is growing up so fast. He is crawling all over the place. Now I better go get my stuff ready to go to work tomorrow. :( Oh well! today I am grateful to live in Minnesota in the spring. It is so awesome!

Oh, this is my favorite time of day . . . . 6:15 am. I am done with my morning workout at the wellness center, showered, have a cup of coffee in my hand and checking my emails and facebook. Because the house is quiet, I have time to think and get ready for my day. Some people are not morning people, but I guess I am. I get a lot done before I go to work in the morning. When I get home from work, I need to get supper going, get dishes done and the house cleaned up. By then I am tired and love to sit in my chair where I fall asleep around 9:30. Today I am greatful to be a morning person.

It has been a week of progress - many kinds of progress. First, the federal tax forms are done and printed off. Just need to get the state forms done and they are not nearly as confusing as the federal forms. Next, I got the sewing room all cleaned up. That was huge job!!! It is now ready for photographs to be taken for Lauren's 4-H project. I got all the rest of my little house clean-up jobs done this weekend as well. The best progress has been with my car! Thursday night we got the Impala traded off and got an Acadia. It is not new, but 6 years newer than the Impala. It is really nice! So far I love it! I think I also made some emotional/mental progress. I spent yesterday watching a marathon of "Good Witch" movies on the Halmark channel as I was scuttling about the house doing my cleaning and laundry. I was greatly impacted by some things in those movies. The first thing is that no matter what happens, Cassie always see the good side of it. The "silver lining of every cloud". She never lets the bad things in her life bring her down. Her theory is - you are always right where you are ment to be and she makes the best of it. The other thing that impacted me even more was her attitude about how people treat her. She never gets mad or feels bad. She always turns these people around and makes them feel bad that they treated her the way they did. She helps them feel good about themselves. I am going to try very hard to learn a lesson from this. After the movies, I sort of took inventory on some of the things that have happened in my life and how I reacted to them and how I have reacted to some of the people in my life. It made me very sad to think that I am a Christian and have reacted to those things the way I have. I need to have a clean heart and stop holding on to some of the dark clouds that I have hung on to. I know it will not be easy, but I am going to do this! I know I will be a much happier person if I can succeed. Today I am grateful that God gave me these wonderful movies to clean my heart!